yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
