it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
