There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
