I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
