I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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