does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
