I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Did I show you my penis last night?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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