Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
