My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
time to smoke my breakfast
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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