At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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