Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
