I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
