wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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