and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
