It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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