i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
nutella sex= disaster
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
