I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
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He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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