I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
