don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
