I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
