I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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