Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
