I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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