i already hear my dad disowning me
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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