haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Randomize
