Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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