Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
