I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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