96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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