I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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