i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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