You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
