THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
