I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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