there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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