is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
