I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
