I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
