I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
