so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
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whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
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Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis