this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?