Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
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If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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