today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
