Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
