Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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