Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
did i walk over a car last night?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
