"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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