You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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