Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
