I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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