if only i could text you this smell
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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