I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
