I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
