My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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