i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.