the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
