The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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