Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
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my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
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