Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
