I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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