I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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