Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
